[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”