Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Gods work.