[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.