the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
3% human
97% stress
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.