I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
October already? What’s next? November????
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”