A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.