When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on