*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
We have a winner.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?