This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ