My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27