You Might Also Like
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….