Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
You got this…
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Simple enough.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.