Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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Mornin
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
#Caturday
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.