Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night