That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
You Might Also Like
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Aaaa…CHOO!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?