Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You Might Also Like
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.