My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
just having fun
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad