I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.