the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Cndnsd Mlk
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
britain’s three elite institutions
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.