Pot warmers of the day.
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.