my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You Might Also Like
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*