[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired