[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.