So creative 😂
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”