Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what