My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Personal question. #JustSaying
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80