How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.