My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My last name is Zilla.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood