someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.