The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want