When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert