“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”