It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Most fashion shows these days…
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it