Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
You Might Also Like
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old