*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English