Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars