My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops