Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…