Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I’m ready for Halloween this year
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.