i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast