I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.