I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
just got my engagement photos