Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.