The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.