Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
translated into Canadian