If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I needed a laugh this morning.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn