Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.