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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?