coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
☺️
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.