[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*